DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
