this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just invented taco cereal.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
