so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
