sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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