I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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