if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
