Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!