You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null