Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.