is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.