wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
