I didn't shave. On purpose
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
