my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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