i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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