it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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