Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
