If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
