would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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