so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
