Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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