Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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