You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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