Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
