wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
