Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
