oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
