Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
