He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?