I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
