please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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