Your mouth is God's brothel.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
