dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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