Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
