I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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