i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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