So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Be still, my beating vagina.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Randomize
