i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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