In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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