you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
