She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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