i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
