Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
