I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
