He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
