So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
we're chasing vodka with high fives
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
