the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize