My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
