I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
