Your dad touched me again.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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