apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
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Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
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I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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