when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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