4 words: hood of his car
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
