he wants to bone in the snuggie
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
