he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
