i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
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For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
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Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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