a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He shit in the fireplace
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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