Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
