bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
