i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
