a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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