I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
