there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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