oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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