God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
