I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
